4/14/2004 11:54:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|What the hell am I doing up still? It's late and I need to go to sleep. I should be studying. I have a test for BIOL 152 tomorrow. I haven't studied worth a shit for it. What have I been doing? Looking at strange people's obituaries in search of the ever elusive lost love. Long story. My eyelids feel superheavy. Why do I find myself attracted to men I wouldn't normally be attracted to? First of all, I'm married so I really shouldn't be looking at all. I'm not, really. I don't intentionally seek out these microcrushes. They just happen. And the funny thing is that they only last, like, a couple weeks- a month, tops. I know one problem is that I have an instant attraction to men who are smarter than I am. I find it sexy and I can't help it. I think I have a desire to learn from them and maybe that's it? All I can say is that my college teachers and professors are some of my most frequent victims. That has to be saying something. Also, the teachers assistant(s) for my BIOL I Lab class. Both are completely crush worthy and I try not to act like a total highschool idiot around them, but that is hard to do sometimes. I am lonely. My fathers death (yeah, he died on Christmas Eve, 2003, when I went home for X-Mas vacation) is really starting to hit me and I find myself obsessing over details. Things that should have went better, how I feel like I am channeling his spirit at times, I was a shitty daughter, and, like, replaying his funeral in my head like a film. It sucks and I wish I could move on. My sister thinks that I just need to stay busy. I think I need to work through it like a normal person. I have found myself in a music cycle as of lately. All of my favorite bands from my teenage years that have been shelved for so long have been playing nonstop in my cd player. Soundgarden, Jane's Addiction, Tool, Pearl Jam, etc. And the harder the better. Strange. If only I wasn't robbed a few years back of my completely kick ass music collection.....*sigh* Bastards. I had so many killer CDs. Karma's a bitch, though. Don't I know. I'm going to try to sleep and cram tomorrow morning. One of these days I *really* will improve my study habits..... Tao|W|P|108200934571821504|W|P||W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com