2/26/2005 10:37:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Pain Cubed It's hard to believe that earlier I was describing my pain simply as "ouch." Throughout the day, it has intensified to almost unbearable. I took two Tylenol-3 earlier, but they made me really sick to my stomach so I don't want to take them again. But the pain.... If this doesn't get better tomorrow, I am going to have to go to the emergency room. The pain isn't only when I swallow air, food or drink, it's constant. I feel like I have all of this air trapped in my esophagus and I can't get it out. I keep trying to force it down, but it just makes me light-headed. It's so scary when your body craps out on you with no warning. My sister hypothesized that my esophagus may be getting eaten away by my birth control pill because I don't take them (or my three other pills) with enough water and go straight to bed afterwards. She thinks that they are getting lodged in my esophagus and eroding it while I sleep. That's a happy, little thought, isn't it? She claims that she knows of someone else this has happened to as well. Whatever the reason, it's seriously freaked me out. I literally can't go five seconds without waves of pain running through my chest. I just wish it would go away. I haven't had the concentration to write my essay for the Udall scholarship or my critique. I have laid in bed and watched marathons of "America's Next Top Model" on VH1 and "Town Haul" on TLC. I did not clean my house, I did not do my laundry. I was absolutely unproductive today because of this crap. It makes me sick to waste my weekend like this. I hope I can report happier news tomorrow. Good night. |W|P|110948262378720220|W|P|Pain Cubed|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/26/2005 09:21:00 AM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Ouch. There's something very wrong with my esophagus today. (Well, it started Thursday night, to be exact.) Every time I swallow, I feel a wave of pain rolling down my poor esophagus. Eating food is a torture that I would not wish on anyone. Drinking is less painful, but it still hurts. I broke down and ate ice cream last night for the first time in.....? A long time. I felt really guilty, but it felt good to have something smooth and cold go down my esophagus. I have been trying to force down some imaginary object for the past two days using hot beverages and lots and lots of water. Obviously, my attempts have been unsuccessful. My Mom suggested an old, Mormon standby this morning: red jello with banana slices (which sounds less painful then green jello with shredded carrots- the other Mormon favorite). I think anything with lumps of fruit in it sounds excrutiatingly painful, but I do think I'll whip up some plain jello. Mother knows best because she has been living with this exact problem for the past couple of years. I hope to God that mine aren't ulcers as are hers and will only be but a temporary annoyance that will ultimately help explain why my Mom eats like a bird. I have a weekend full of writing to accomplish. I am applying for the Udall Scholarship, which requires and 800 word essay on one of his legislative acts and I have to write a critique of primary literature for Evolution. Not only that, but I have a lot of internship applications to send out. Somewhere in this time I must find time to clean the house, do the laundry, spend time with my kids and maybe get dressed. Getting dressed is definitely debatable. Wish me well. :-) |W|P|110943491309481506|W|P|Ouch.|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/24/2005 12:14:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Viva Haydn! Joseph Haydn, you glorious nonconformist, thank you for being a fellow rebel. Haydn attended the St. Stephen Cathedral Music School where he managed to piss off the establishment quite nicely. What did young Joseph do while attending said school?

• Climb the scaffolding around the walls to piss off Empress Maria Theresa.
• Narrowly avoid becoming a castrati, losing his beautiful voice instead.
• Chopping off some dude's ponytail and getting kicked out of school.

You make us all proud, Joe. I bet that when you found fortune and fame at Vienna, you wanted to give them all a raspberry and say, "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" Musical geniuses make the best malcontents. |W|P|110927375228527142|W|P|Viva Haydn|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/23/2005 09:31:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Congratulations to Jay, one hell of a designer! I was riveted (not to steal terms from Kara Saun, mind you) for the past two hours watching the Project Runway Finale unfold tonight. I loved the catty arguments with Wendy, almost understanding Wendy (but not quite), see-sawing between Kara and Jay as my favorite and ultimately choosing Jay. Why? Okay, two big reasons: 1. Jay's style is edgy, colorful and fun, which I dig. (Kara Saun makes beautiful clothes, but they are not entirely original.) 2. Kara Saun and the Dollhouse shoe fiasco. What was that? I know she's "in the biz," but was that fair? I am glad the producers put their feet down on that one. That being said, they both presented fabulous collections. Loved it. Wendy's collection looked, by comparison, like something found in dusty trunks around the attics of America. Sorry, Wendy, but you are a talentless hack compared to the other two. Austin should have had your spot. I can hardly wait for Season 2. |W|P|110921947374127411|W|P|BRAVO > Project Runway > The Designers > Jay|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/23/2005 04:08:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Damn that Debra Winger! I got sucked into watching An Officer and a Gentleman on AMC last night. Subsequently, I was up until 2AM and am now dragging ass because of it. Unfortunately, this is like the third time I have done that exact same thing. One would think that I would learn my lesson, but NO. I just can't resist seeing that last scene where he goes into the paper factory and rescues her from a life of carpal tunnel and seedy bars. It's completely cheesetastic and I love it. I had two tests today. My Astronomy Planisphere Exam was a piece of cake. I think I missed about six or seven on my Wildlife Mgmt Lab exam, which is pretty darn good for me. I studied fairly intensly for it, so I can give myself a pat on the back. My Music App. test was so easy it should've been criminal. It just doesn't seem right to have such easy tests. Truthfully, though, it's been so long since I have taken a freshman levelcourse that I forgot how easy they are. This is good to know because I still have a few freshman level courses to take. I don't know how I am going to balance my next two semesters because I know I have a few, weird, gen. ed. classes yet to take. I am feeling a little better today. Maybe things are looking up. Fortunately, I feel that I have gotten my head out of the clouds enough to focus on school again. I have an Evolution test on Friday that I had forgotten about, so I need to study up on that. I am missing a couple of days of notes, so I may have to wing some of it. Grey skies. Looks like we may have some rain tonight. It would be nice to wash away some of the funky derriere (dairy air - LOL) away. Season finale of Project Runway tonight. I'll be happy if either Jay or Kara Saun win. I will throw a Texas-sized temper tantrum is Wendy the evil wins. Peace out, my bitches. |W|P|110920212286367476|W|P|Damn the Debra Winger!|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/20/2005 11:31:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|There's something about those Queer Eye fellas.... ...that just makes me smile. For some reason, whenever I watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, I get this shit-eating grin plastered all over my face. Not only is it cheesy, it's long lasting as well. After the show is over, I feel my cheeks have had a work out and that I can probably count on some more wrinkles. What the hell! What's more important, smiling or smooth skin? Smiling wins in my book every time. Speaking of smiling, I just feel like I haven't been doing enough of it lately. When did I become so serious? I can remember just a few years ago, riding my bike around town, just pissing the day away and having a damn fine time doing it. Now every second of my day seems to be calculated and any deviation from said calculations is a catastrophe. This change that has been taking place within me for the past few months has certainly taken me on an unpredictable ride. Some days I feel so on top of my game and others a complete mess. I feel like I have become so withdrawn and, as such, have alienated myself from the people around me. Sometimes my focus scares me. I can't tell you how much I miss the days when I could just hang out with my friends, maybe get stoned or drink some Boones Farm "wine" and have "deep" conversations about everything from astral projection to being a bunch of feminazis. Or just piling into one of our beater cars and heading out to a mosh or a rave and getting sweaty and drunk and just laughing until you think your face is going to crack into a million pieces. (As a run-on sentence, I would have to rate the preceding as pretty damn impressive!) The point is that I never had an easy life growing up and certainly I had to worry about many things that my friends never would have to think about. That considered, I still managed to let loose and have some pretty fantastic times. I think the problem is that, after I had my first son, I grabbed the reigns of uber-control and have ceased to lessen my death grip. I have become such a control freak that I am afraid to let go for one second, lest I expose some unsavory part of myself to the world. What I am starting to realize is that, even though I stopped smoking pot and will drink only on rare occasions, this unsavory mess comes out any ways. For some reason, I keep divulging some of the strangest things about myself to *anyone* there to listen. Take for instance the trip back from Gallup. I freely admitted that I had collected grass and woodchips from a crushes yard and would smell them whenever the moment suited me. Freely admitted, y'all! Also, the other day in Wildlife Mgmt lab, I tried to explain that, no, I am not a hippie, but, yes, I did go a year without shaving my legs when I was 16. Oops. Did I just say that? What the hell is wrong with me? It's like this, I think- I have gotten so sick of people stereotyping me into this study-crazed, over achieving, book worm, geek that I am dropping less than subtle hints of my lunacy so people will back the fuck off. No, I am not the person you think I am. Yes, I am a bit crazy. Thank you and good night. P.S. The person who invents a magic pill to make Dog's farts not stink will be the biggest hero on the face of the planet. I will be so glad when it warms up so these dogs can sleep outside. *Gag* P.P.S. I saw the Project Runway Reunion show tonight and, boy, wasn't it fun to watch people squirm? I wish "Wendy the evil" would have done more, but it was delicious to watch "Vanessa the sour" walk off the set. Yes, I am still bitter than Austin didn't make the final three. |W|P|110896749818207550|W|P|Something about those Queer Fellas|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/18/2005 08:12:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Why is this song running in my head today? I haven't heard it in a 'coons age...|W|P|110878275795948196|W|P|STTA|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/18/2005 02:34:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|The Fumbling-Bumbling Mess They Call Jenny Well another week out of my life is gone. What have I learned? That I have a sick habit of wasting time. This is funny because I *just* posted about, "Where does the time go?" *L* Right. So, last night I was supposed to be doing a friend's taxes for her and what did I actually do instead? Wasted hours doing those stupid, Tickle.com quizzes. It's embarrassing, really. I now know that I am one of those rare? individuals who are of a "balanced brain," favoring neither the right nor the left hemispheres. That sure was worth losing three hours of my day, eh? No, that particular test didn't take three hours, the inkblot test, passion test, etc., added up to three hours. I am so lame. I was absolutely sick to my stomach today. I wish it would go away but I think it won't. At least for awhile. This happened last semester as well when I first developed my crush on this individual. Any classes I had with him turned me into a oozing mess. Over the break I completely forgot about him and all was fine. Now I am right back where I started and it's just no good. So, not only do I have a crush on him, but two other guys as well. When did I become like such a teenage girl again? All of these crushes manage to keep me distracted a good portion of the time. I have three tests next week with no room for distraction. So my big goal this three day weekend is to keep men at the back of my mind and studies at the front. Wish me luck. Lately this has been the impossible dream. |W|P|110876252768935809|W|P|The Fumbling-Bumbling Mess They Call Jenny|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/17/2005 12:13:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Bad Case of the Blogging Blues Some days I cannot believe how much me and my good pal Amanda are on the same wavelength. So many times have I noticed that our blogs are mirror-like, if not on the same day, at least the same week. Because she has so many blog woes, I often don't get her posts until days after she's already posted. It's then that I discover, "Holy shit! This girl is feeling exactly like I am right now." (Doh! I guess that's why we are such good friends.) Anywhoo, not only does she despise/love reality tv people like I do, she is also experiencing blogger blues. This has been going on for me for about the past few weeks. It's not that I don't have anything to say, in fact, the opposite is true. I am a font of opinions and ideas. However, when the time comes to publish these things, I just lack the energy or ability to bring the words from my mind to the page. There's that and the fact that I have been extraordinarily distracted lately. Men. Go figure. Being alone is a bad thing if prolonged. At first it's fun, full of freedom and a tasty dose of independence. No one to answer to, no one to piss off or hurt, you get the picture. Well, after awhile, those good things wear off and what are you left with? Loneliness and a sense of wanting, missing. A preoccupation with fantasizing. That there is my biggest problem right now. I find myself at it more and more now. This morning was a marathon session, about 2 full hours of fantasizing. No, I am not going to divulge what or who is was about; suffice it to say that it is distracting as hell when you know that you have responsibilities in life that don't include professional fantasizing. I have been feeling very unusual and unpleasant lately. Very unlike myself. Do you know that feeling that you get when you are changing and you know that any attempt to halt that change is absolutely futile? That is the feeling that is plaguing me night and day. I know I am changing; that I am changing while alone is pretty terrifying. It's so difficult to explain. I don't want to spend my life clawing onto the past and running from change. I want to be able to accept change as it comes and hope that others will appreciate my changes and still like me. Right now I am in not only in a very vulnerable state in my home life, but in my future career as well. I feel time flying by so quickly and I am more desperate than ever to nab an internship this summer to gain experience and get the proverbial foot in the door. Maybe I should just say, "Fuck it," and become a Forest Ranger? I know, that's just not like me to settle. So what I am left with is this gnawing and churning in my stomach that tells me that things are just somehow not right. I don't understand where the time goes, but know I am 1)watching tv very little 2)on the internet very little 3)spending not enough time with my kids 4)not studying enough. So where did my time go? Why do I get the feeling that I am in an episode of the "Twilight Zone?" I'm sorry to bore you all with such strange details, but I figure you may as well know why I have been posting so little as of lately. I hope to find something soon that will take me out of this black hole and bring me back to reality. P.S. I know I haven't been doing my geek notes lately, either. Sorry about that.|W|P|110866903320944769|W|P|Blog Blues|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/14/2005 04:01:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Valentine's Day Sucks. I started this post writing some really rediculous bullshit instead of what is in my heart. Like it's not okay to expose you guys to how I am actually feeling. You'd rather read some mundane commentary on my day, right? Wrong. As the title suggests, Valentine's Day is a bunch of crap. It may have once meant something about love but now it is just another way for people to make money, spend money and either feel good for a moment or feel really, really bad. Like I do. What I need is a holiday to remind me of how fucking alone I am. I feel like dyeing my hair black more than ever right now. I feel like wearing nothing but black clothing. And wearing black lipstick. And while I am at it, I think I'll just wrap myself up in a black coccoon and blast myself out into the blackest, deep space. To the land where conversation hearts don't exist. So I was doing okay for awhile, but that's been wearing off since the beginning of the year. Now I am shite again. Not only am I lonely, I am also horny as can be. (Mother, I know you are reading this and I apologize for being so blatently honest.) That is something I haven't felt for so long, I almost didn't know what it was. Unusual. I'm going to go home now and avoid watching tv, lest I have more generic, plastic-wrapped, candy version of love rubbed in my face. Love hurts. |W|P|110842337805715451|W|P|Valentines Sucks|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/11/2005 01:35:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Wendy Pepper is the Root of All Evil It's been a couple of days since the incident, but I have just now been able to post my disgust. Wendy Pepper, bitch extrordinaire, has managed to last to the final three on Project Runway. More discomforting is the fact that she beat out Austin Scarlett, my favorite!! I am so livid at this obvious error in the judges judgement. Just because that ninny, Nancy O'Dell, thought Austin's garb shouted "Oscar" rather than sung "Grammy," doesn't mean that the least talented designed should win! I really need to cut down on the reality tv. You get attached, man. Just finished with my botany exam. I think I did fairly well. I was a little disappointed to learn that I scored only an 80% on my Astronomy exam. Just a little, though, because I know that 1)I didn't study and 2)I can make it up in the semester. I seriously have to get crackin' on my bird identifications for Wildlife Mgmt Lab. I have exams for both the lab and lecture next Wednesday. I look like such crap today. I woke up early this morning and worked on my CV and Cover Letter for Wildlife Mgmt. Hence, I was afforded approximately 10 minutes to eat breakfast and get ready for school. I am wearing a freakin' skirt and sweater! If that doesn't scream, "Hello! No clean laundry!" I don't know what does. I just feel yuck and can't wait to get home to change into something comfortable. It's time for Astronomy now so I must go. Hope everyone out there looks better than I do and will curse Wendy Pepper for all time and eternity. |W|P|110815480088867815|W|P|Wendy Pepper is the Root of all Evil|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/07/2005 03:12:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|There's a practical reason for my insanity.. I am so sick of being labeled as an "over achiever" by under achievers. I know have stated once before that ambition is a drug and I am, indeed, an addict. That being said, I also maintain that ambition is absolutely necessary if you intend to work as a scientist. Scientist's don't have that luxury that teachers, nurses, and accountants posess, that is the ability to get a job wherever they may roam. No, scientists are at the mercy of the public, of tax payers and legislators and their ideals and fears. Put simply, scientist's cannot be successful slackers. While I know many that like to dress and act the part of a slacker, it is, after all, just an act. Scientists are extremely hard working, smart and dedicated individuals; very much the antithesis of slackers. If my "colleagues" think I am an over achiever (when I am nothing but ambitious) and harbor delusions that they can maintain their current levels of minimal effort, they will be in for an interesting awakening when they attempt to enter any field beyond Game Wardenry. That, my friends, is why I adore being a science geek! |W|P|110781510490224060|W|P|Over Achiever, my Ass|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/06/2005 10:39:00 AM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|I once knew a guy who saved his toenail clippings... ...in one of those bubble gum tape containers. His name was Derek L'Italien and he was the love interest of my best friend, Jennie. I remember going to his house (which also was the dirtiest, smelliest house I've been to) where he unveiled his collection with much pride. It was a smell I'll always remember but will never stop trying to forget. Yes, Derek was an odd one. He had a really strange laugh as well. Why did I bring this up? Well, as we were driving home after attending the38th Joint Annual Meeting of the AZ/NM Chapter of AFS and the AZ and NM Chapters of the Wildlife Society, everyone in the suburban was asking me to tell stories. After sufficiently embarassing myself time and time again, I blurted out my title statement after they said, "Tell us another story, Jenny." My friend Holly, who was driving, said, "You should write a memoir with that title." Since this blog is partly my memoirs, I thought I would do it in a less formal way. Someday I will organize my memoirs and give them an appropriate title, but that day is not today. The meeting was quite good and I was able to talk to people who gave me some excellent career advice. I am glad I attended. The drive to and from Gallup is a whole different story. This is the first time I have been held captive (for twelve+ hours) with such intolerable individuals. Let's see, should I make a bulleted list?

• Four of them were racists.
• Three of them blabbered on and on about hunting for hours.
• One was sexist, a know it all and an absolute bore.
• Two of them were ignorant farm boys.
• Five of them exhibited subcollegiate powers of thought.
• Need I say anymore?

I have never been in the position to listen to such complete ignorance of people's cultures and races. What makes some dumb, eighteen year old, farm kid understand the dynamics of the modern Native American reservation? Obviously nothing does because those rubes spewed forth verbal diarhhea that should have been countered with razor sharp blades to scalp their big-ass heads. Not only did they spend a solid hour trashing Native Americans, they also made fun of Asians and African Americans. After performing my obligatory speech of tolerance and acceptance, they promptly ignored me and went back to their KKK/Aryanesque dialogue. I still ask myself, "How can it be that, in this day in age, we still have so many racists? When will these people break the cycle?" I was so glad to get out of that suburban. I was so glad to get into my car and drive away from that madness. I am so embarrassed to share the same degree program with these individuals. And to a certain extent, share the same school with them. If they are that way, are they representative of the entire AG population at Eastern? Well, now that I have sufficiently creeped myself out, I am going to listen to "American Idiot" by Green Day as loud as possible and forget that horrible ride across NM. Good day, all. |W|P|110771159675005761|W|P|I Once Knew a Guy....|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/02/2005 10:59:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Sick. I just tracked my GPS and discovered that FedEx came today while I was at school. Waaaah. I'll call in the morning and see if I can pick it up from them. Otherwise, looks like I'll be in for a wait.|W|P|110741035453005652|W|P|FedEx Express | Tracking | Results Detail|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/02/2005 10:19:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|The Secret of The Killers no more When I first heard the band, The Killers, on Left of Center on Sirius, I felt like I was part of some secret club. That is, the club of all things indie and cool. Here I was, practically alone, with this nugget of new-wave resurgent pop genius. I felt special if you must know. When The Killers hit Alt. Nation, I knew my secret was getting out. Now MTV(2)'s playing Mr. Brightside like it's going out of style. I once loved that song, now I have to change the channel when it comes on. I am afraid that my other, beloved tunes by The Killers will fall victim to mass-market media soon as well. Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, All These Things That I've Done, Indie Rock and Roll? What will become of them? Please, MTV, don't steal my sunshine. So now my well cherished secret is top 40 goo. I feel like cutting all of my hair off and dying it black. No, Mom, I really won't, but I do feel like it. I wonder if A felt like this when The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood became a chick flick. I wonder this because I remember her reading this waaaaaaaaaay before it became a sappy, tear-jerker (okay, I do love it, but, shhh...). For me, it's a pretty crap feeling. The most thought provoking question of my day was: Do you think Gregor Mendel hated bees? The rest of my day isn't worth commenting on. I'll be honest; right now I am just too damn tired to dissect my classes today. I will post again on Sunday to chronicle The Wildlife Socity meeting. Other news: Ojito Bill Go Udall, go Udall, go Udall! Down by four pounds but that could change any moment. Suffice it to say that no celebration is planned. Apparently all the Special K and situps are doing something. And I still love technology...Peace Out. |W|P|110740794393561321|W|P|Congressman Tom Udall|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com2/01/2005 01:26:00 PM|W|P|taoofcoffee|W|P|Pleasantly Surprised By how many students in the Wildlife and Fisheries major that do not want to be Game Wardens. Judging from past encounters with various program-mates, I had always felt like the turd in a punchbowl. Basically, that me and one or two other people were the only ones who actually wanted to be Biologists (my beloved kindred spirits). Last night, I attended a Fish & Wildlife Club meeting and discovered that quite a few people don't want to have anything to do with being a Game Warden. In all honesty, I got an inkling last week when New Mexico Department of Game and Fish came and talked to us about working for them. I felt like I was alone in my annoyance by the notion that pretty much the only way to get a job with them was to be a game warden for a couple of years and then try and get an internal Biologists position. Apparently, they were less discouraging than previous NMDGF recruiters. I felt more hopeless than ever after going to that meeting. If I can't get a job in my own state (from the preferred school, no less), than how in the heck am I going to get a job in Montana? Yesterday in Wildlife Manageent, we discussed Curriculum Vitaes and, in fact, one of our assignments is to make our CVs and turn them for a "job" with the Professor. He's going to read them as if he were hiring and tell us how good, bad or ugly they are. During the class discussion, the subject of jobs, internships and experience came up. Previously unbeknownst to me, many of my fellow students are also uber worried about their careers after college as well. I hadn't counted on so much competition for the Spring Internship interviews. Now I am going to really have to kick ass. And while I am a little nervous about going against some of these folks for internships, I am, nonetheless, more comforted by the notion that they feel the same way I do. |W|P|110728702753214420|W|P|Pleasantly Surprised|W|P|taoofcoffee@gmail.com